Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Tellin' it like it is at 30 weeks.

When I was pregnant with patrick, I spent a large amount of time denying to myself that I actually was going to have a baby. It was a defence mechanism against the many losses (4) I had to endure before having ababy that 'stuck'. Totally understandable. By this same stage of pregnancy (30 weeks) I had done very little in the way of baby preparations. I mean, sure, we bought a larger house but that was at least in part because I was sick of trying to study at the dining room table because our terrace was so small. I had previously bought baby clothes during pregnancies 1-4 but had given all of them away in various work-related baby showers, because the grief of that little bag of onesies was too hard to bear. In short, I had given up, and it wasn't really until about week 35 that I actually accepted that I was, really and truly, most likely going to give birth to a real baby. But I still couldn't accept that the baby would live. Thus Patrick's arrival brought with it a huge shock. I had spent so long focussing on being pregnant that I had forgotten about preparing for parenthood.

In many respects this pregnancy couldn't be more different. I have gone smoothly from G5P1 to G6P1 with no losses in between. I have not had so much as a whisker of spotting. From about week 20 I have assured myself that this baby is definitely a going concern. I am forewarned about the miseries of early babyhood and late pregnancy. I know that babies grow up from being useless crying lumps to happy, laughing children. This is what 'normal' people must feel like with their first pregnancies, right?

But I'd be lying if I didn't admit to apprehension. My PND never really went away: I could blame that on the fact that I was still breastfeeding patrick when I fell pregnant with Secundus, so my hormones have never really 'normalised', but it worries me that I still remain medicated. In fact, a few weeks ago I recognised the signs that my mood was in fact worsening, and my dose has been duly upped. Again this could be rationalised because I actually had ante- as well as post- natal depression last pregnancy as well, and that I am already managing it better. But it does worry me that I will again fall into the pit of despair.

I'm also worried about how I will cope with two. Of course, I will cope, one way or another- I'd just like to think that my coping will be positive. I know that Patrick will be majorly upset when he realises that the baby is a permanent fixture, not a one-off, and I'm worried that he will feel less loved. You know how they say little boys are in love with their mothers? These days I'd tend to agree with that: MrT has been working some ugly 14 hour shifts and it was just me and P for the last 4 days and it has to be said, we've had a ball! Most satisfying was the times he'd come up to me and give me a random hug or kiss, just for existing. I'm going to be sad to miss that one on one closeness, now that it's so overt.

I am heartened by the things I see of mothers with two children, though: I see older ones entertaining younger siblings, and it makes me glad. Not that I'm about to leave Patrick in charge of a newborn whilst I scoot down the pub for a bevvy or two (tempting though it may be), but I know that in time, Yttrium will be amused by Patrick, and hopefully, eventually, they will become friends, not rivals.

I am a little concerned by the practicalities of the second child: our car is not the biggest of vehicles, and I'm concerned that a second baby seat will not be practicable. I have yet to do anything about getting a double stroller: part of me just wants to wing it with Paddy in the stroller and Bernoulli in a sling at least for the first few months before I have to do anything else. I'm pretty sure we will eventually go for the Phil and Teds that seems to be the go for all 2 child families these days- pat's a little too little for a scooter board. But then there's this contraption too... hmmm, time to hit the message boards, methinks.

And, will you look at that! In the time-honoured tradition of putting it all out there, I actually now feel better. Thank you internets!

There's only one thing missing:
I have recently been cravng chocolate sundaes. Specifically, sundaes from a fast food joint that may or may not be scottish (Mac -somebodies. Maybe you've heard of it?). I bought some chocolate sauce from the supermarket yesterday to d.i.y at home... BUT MR T HAS EATEN ALL THE ICE CREAM!! GRRRRR! I waited until Patrick was in bed so I could have one without having to share (because really all that means is I get a spoonful or two before Paddy decides it's all his) and MrT is at work so I can't leave the house. I can SEE the freezer section of Coles from my bedroom window. Arrgh! Fate! Why do you mock me so?

I tried to trick myself with some yogurt but, really, yogurt isn't a hot fudge sundae AND our yogurt tasted off.... there's nothing in the kitchen that even remotely looks satisfying. I had thought to ring MrT at work and ask him to bring me home a sundae from that most evil of venues, but I know from bitter experience that the time you finish this shift is also the time they all clean the ice-cream machines, and you can't get a sundae for love nor money without a hellishly long drive. I'll just have to go to bed dreaming of hot fudgy sauce and creamy creamy vanilla ice cream... mmmmmmmmmm. Grrrrrrrrrrr.


Blogger E, SS and the Little Man said...

I had antenatal depression. It was hard. I don't remember the PND being as bad. I think it helped that Teo was born in the spring. I had all this sunny weather during the newborn phase to make me feel happy.

I'm sure Paddy and Colloidal Suspension will get along just fine! One day you will look at them playing together and wonder why you ever worried about it.

Those strollers are amazing! I haven't seen any like that Phil and Ted's one, or the sidecar one over here at all. What do you call strollers over there? Prams? Pushchairs? Buggies?

28/1/09 12:50  
Blogger E, SS and the Little Man said...

These are the strollers I mostly see over here for a toddler and a baby. They have a strap to go behind the toddler when they're standing up, so they're not likely to fall off. There is also a seat for the toddler, but they're facing towards you so probably can't see much.


28/1/09 12:54  
Blogger jen said...

Colloidal suspension- heh heh heh. That's good.

The phil and Teds is all the rage here- yet another New Zealand product made good. Apparently, according to their website Gwyneth Paltrow http://philandteds.com/news/?p=3 , Madonna and Dennis Quaid have them. There are now a few other companies that have started to copy them.

We call it a pram. Or a stroller. The weird thing about Australia is that although there are only 20 million people here, there are regional expressions for many different things, and my mother in law calls it a Pusher. I'm sure in other parts of the country they are known as something else, but if you said pram or stroller people would know what you were on about.

2/2/09 13:28  

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