Sunday, August 31, 2008

Bye bye Boobies

It's been a week since Patrick last had boobie, and this morning was the first time I gave him a bottle and a snuggle in bed instead of, well, me. It wasn't quite as nice, because instead of him staring into my eyes and playing with my moles (his favourite is the one near my armpit when I make clicking 'on' and 'off' noises and stick out my tongue when he presses it) he just laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. Sad to think I'll never again see his shining eyes as he tries hard not to giggle as I tickle his tummy or his feet because he knows that means the boobie will slip out. And the looking deep into my eyes, deep, deep, deeper... it used to unnerve me, because, what did he want from me? The neediness of that gaze freaked me right out because, like, hell, kid, I don't know the answers to everything, please, man, I don't know what I'm doing. But lately it's more like searching my face, my soul... but no more.

78 weeks and 4 days. And I didn't expect to make it past 2 weeks, but it just happened that way. I'm sad it's ended, but it had to: I was acutely aware of the diminishing supply (dry sucking...hurts) and also every time I had this mental image of my pituitary stuggling to keep up with the prolactin and oxytocin and all those pregnancy hormones at the same time, given I have about a three millimetre wedge of normal pituitary tissue, the rest being taken up with a (very) benign... umm... growth (it is, technically a tumour, but that has all sorts of implications that don't apply to me- even more technically it is a hamartoma- a developmental lump that's probably been there since I had a pituitary and will never get any bigger) and the awful threat of miscarriage that hangs over my head- if I miscarry now I think I'll feel cheated because I'll have 'given up for nothing'.

I try very hard not to be a boob nazi, because I know I'm very, very lucky to have had firstly a plentiful supply (in fact I'm still leaking at random intervals), a supportive husband and workplace, and the ministrations of a lactation consultant who did housecalls, and the dosh to pay for them. I'll admit to feeling a little 'you don't know what you're missing' when my cesar patients tell me they're not going to attempt breastfeeding, but I try to keep this to myself, because I know breastfeeding is not for everyone for any number of reasons. I'm just glad I was able to stick at it. As for the length of time I fed Patrick- well, I had always expected that Patrick would give up of his own volition, and just kept thinking it would, just, kinda, you know, happen. But then when it didn't, I just kept putting it off as something to do later. I'm not a hippie hippie "breastmilk is the only thing that is nutritionally adequate for your baby and toddler" because, hell, I give Patrick hot chips, for chrissakes. It's definitely more about the emotional connection, now, and, of course, now that special part of the bond is gone, I'm sad.

On other news, v2.0 is now 7+5/40; only two others have made it to this point- and one of those was Patrick. I have my first obstetrician's visit on Friday, so I'll have one of those reassuring ultrasounds then (or not reassuring, as the case may be). I feel sick, tired, emotional and dizzy, which is about as good as it gets for pregnancy symptoms for me, so, so far so good. I'm not going to get all tizzy and put up a ticker just yet- trust me, I know day by day what we are up to date-wise, but 17th of April next year is looking, at this point at least, like a busy time for me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

might be something about the name. my brother patrick breastfed for a really long time and was very reluctant to wean during mum's next pregnancy.

1/9/08 03:38  
Blogger E, M, and the Little Man said...

My brother Patrick was weaned early because my sister Carmel came along. I think he's still bitter about it.

Anyway, I just want to say great job on the bfeeding for so long. I wanted to at least go a year, but my supply and Teo had other ideas.

I hope everything goes very well with the ultrasound. Spring babies are nice. Teo was born on the 19th of April.

4/9/08 22:23  
Anonymous minnie said...

aw! don't feel too bad about those of us who didn't breast feed for too long. i mean, i know it isnt NEARLY the same but you can find a way to position yourself, the baby and the bottle so that you still get the benefit of that intense gaze. although, now thatJack holds his own bottle he likes to wap me in the face with it.

8/9/08 09:14  

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