Monday, September 10, 2007

I never knew I'd feel this way

Oh the agony and the ecstasy.

How can something be at once so amazingly beautiful and so incredibly frustrating?

I've never felt so hopelessly and painfully in love with someone as I do with my beautiful baby. The power of the emotion is such that I can't believe it's not a physical appendage that you could see or touch. He daily delights me and, like all people in love, I can't believe that anyone else has ever felt this much love; that this is the most perfect love in the whole world, and secretly, only we know about it.

But there are still times when I want to shake him, want to walk out the door and leave him. Namely, times when he won't go to sleep- when he's so tired but he just won't close his eyes no matter how much I pat, rock, swing, cuddle, wrap or feed him.

I suspect one feeds off the other: if I didn't care so much for him I wouldn't be so upset that he's upset- if I didn't want him to be safe, happy and healthy I wouldn't care if he was overtired and screaming, I'd just close the door and leave him to it (how do people do controlled crying? It would rip my heart out). And if I didn't feel so frustrated and mad when he won't do as he needs to do, it wouldn't be so much of a joy (and oh, the magical golden glow that fills my heart) when he is laughing and happy.

'Random flappy arms' is now obvious 'hold both arms out for a cuddle'. And when he does cuddle, he snuggles his head into my neck. The little cogs in his head that whirr and tick as he looks at his toys and figures them out has also allowed him to learn to embrace his mummy. The Papez circuits have developed that not only allow him to happily hold a rice cake and mush it into his mouth but also to laugh hysterically when I kiss his neck.

Alarmingly, though, he has also been hungry and grabbed hold of my top and yanked it down to get at my boobies- in company. He is a boy after all.


Anonymous J-Le said...

i seriously can't wait until the twinkle learns to want to cuddle me. at the moment it is me accosting her with kisses and cuddles all day and her trying to wriggle away from me. although she did have a sleepy moment this morning when she rested her head against my neck in a cuddle-like manner that has given me a boost all morning. but i really do look forward to when she holds her arms out for a hug, and smiles when i kiss her.

10/9/07 18:32  

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