The last night of not knowing you.

Today is the last day of my maternity leave. In January this seemed to stretch on forever, but all things must come to an end. This six-ish months of leave has been the longest time in my life that I haven't been either employed or studying- but that doesn't mean I've been idle- as all you mummies out there know, this is a tough job. Before Patrick was born I had grand plans for the time, and I feel it's now time to tally up my achievements.

Live infants born- Expected: 0 Actual: 1
Number of times said infant has drifted off to sleep- Expected: 910 Actual: 3
Number of times have been able to put infant into bassinette next to desk and get on with work on desk whilst infant slept- Expected: 182 Actual: 0
Episodes where breastfeeding felt like razor blades being applied to nipples and wiggled up and down - Expected: 0 Actual: many, many, many
Episodes of maternal frustration resulting in screaming at infant to "shut the Feck up"- Expected: 0 Actual: several
Perineums intact- Expected: 0 Actual: 1
Bedrooms painted:-Expected: 3 Actual: 0
Bedrooms re-carpeted-Expected: 3 Actual: 0
Dishwashers bought- Expected: 0 Actual: 1 (I am evil)
Sections of the Great North Walk walked- Expected: all Actual: 0
Cello lessons- Expected:20 Actual: 0
Life drawing classes-Expected: 10 Actual:5
Anaesthetic training modules completed- Expected: 1 Actual:1
Formal projects undertaken -Expected: 1 Actual: 0
Gardens maintained- Expected: 2 (front and back) Actual: 0
Grey water tanks installed-Expected: 1 Actual: 0
Solar hot water systems installed:-Expected: 1 Actual: 1
Kilos lost- Expected: 20 Actual: 10
Veggie patches planted- Expected :1 Actual: 0
iPods crashed - Expected: 0 Actual: 1
Family holidays- Expected: 0 Actual: 1
1 in 100 year storms survived- Expected: 0 Actual: 1
Episodes of depression required to be treated- Expected: 0 Actual: 1
Crappy plastic toys bought- Expected: 0 Actual: 5
Kayak paddling on harbour- Expected: 26 Actual: 1
Motorcycle rides- Expected: ~20 Actual: 1(to get rego done)
Funky hair cuts- Expected: 0 Actual: 2
Movies seen- Expected: maybe 8 Actual: 2
Works of great literature read- Expected: 26 Actual: 1
Credit cards maxed out- Expected: 0 Actual: 1
Mobile phones stolen- Expected: 0 Actual: 1
Departmental education meetings- Expected: 20 Actual: 2
Packets of disposable nappies used- Expecte: 2 Actual: umm, errr
Hours of sleep lost- Expected: maybe 12 Actual: 1000s
Number of times thought about selling baby on ebay- Expected: 0 Actual: too many