Sunday, September 17, 2006

Blood=Bad. Numbers=Good. Quick=Doubleplusgood

It has been some time, and I need to update.

First: Blood=Bad.

Monday 10 am two weeks ago. Hotel room Melbourne. Revising like demon for viva exam at 1430. Go to loo- blood.

Notgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgood. Whilst at 15 weeks my risk of M/C has dropped to about 1 in 178, blood is never good in my history. It only means one thing- badness. End of pregnancy badness.

Hyperventilate. Think this is not good for self, (and, incidentally, would decrease the duration of any non-depolarising neuromuscular blocking agents I may have been given. It WAS a pharmacology viva after all). Stop hyperventilating.

Call... everybody and no-one answering. Finally get onto Obstetrician. He says that 19 times out of twenty the bleeding at this stage of pregnancy is nothing to worry about. Realise that this means that 5 times out of 100 it is not. He says we can do an U/S to reassure me. Get onto my friend Kath (thanks Kath!!) who organises me an US that arvo with Prof D.

Still bleeding, I ring my supervisor of training, who manages to get my viva postponed until the next day.

Still bleeding, and my husband is on a plane somewhere between home and Melbourne. Can't call him.

Still bleeding run out of tissues and toilet paper from crying. Lost sunglasses, so can't even go out of building to buy more without looking like red-eyed freak.

Still bleeding, husband arrives in hotel. Looks gutted. (I had been planning on not telling him, but this is not a viable plan. (He is sitting the exam too).

Still bleeding we get into a taxi. Still bleeding we sit in a waiting room full of happy pregnant people. (I wish obstetricians had separate waiting rooms for miscarriers and obviously pregnant people. And people with children or babies in general).

Ultrasound- first thing we see is... The Peanut's four chambered ticker beating merrily away at 140. Then Its beautiful little arms, legs, head, spine, fingers, toes. All waving, all working. Relief, tears. Normal placenta (!I have a placenta!), no sign of where bleeding is from. Apparently that's a good thing: if you can see a source of blood, that's bad news.

Walk out feeling like we have won the lottery. Really couldn't give a shit about the exam: we have a baby! That is growing well!! That will survive!!! Eat gelato from Lygon Street and catch a taxi back to the hotel, grinning like idiots.

2. Numbers=Good.
The next day, we are still on a little high, but still have exam to do. They go ok, mine in the arvo, T's in both the morning and arvo. Come 1830 and walk with trepidation to the window to see... our candidate numbers under the column "congratulations to the following successful candidates". Cry again with relief: this is the first time that neither T nor I will be studying since, well, before we got married. Being able to enjoy our lives without the ever-present voice in the back of the head saying "Shouldn't you be studying?". Amazing.

We will have to sit more exams, but not for at least two years at least. I have at least 6 months of sanctioned non-study. I can start "enjoying" my pregnancy (if you know how that's done, please let me know!!)

3. Quick=Doubleplusgood
When I was bleeding, I was feeling particularly ripped off, as, according to the pregnancy books, I should have a quickening around 16 to 17 weeks, and of all the things I had been curious about, and longing for, it was feeling my baby move within me. I remember thinking that I would never experience this wonderful thing, and just have to take others' words for it.

Well, about last week, I thought that I was getting a lot of wind. And bladder spasm. Two nights ago (I have been doing night shift) I was drifting off in the duty room when the phone rang and I startled. And so did my 'wind'. And then stopped. So I poked myself in the fundus, and, guess what? Something that had felt a lot like wind or bladder spasm in a slightly odd place... was... the Peanut! It's like our little secret. I can feel the Peanut bobbling around, just as I am sure S/He feels me moving around. Doing laps today in the pool, I was talking to him/her, (not out loud: what do you take me for? Some crazed, sleep deprived, hormonal fool?) saying how we were both kicking and floating, kicking and floating, kicking and floating...

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