Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Finally

I had one of those epiphany moments yesterday.

I had a 'non-clinical' day yesterday. That basically is a day where we have no patient load, but may be called on if there is something to be done in theatre or they need a hand. Officially it's a day for research or study, but for most of us it means a paid day off. The first time I had one I diligently turned up at 0800, in scrubs, perky and ready to help. The duty director looked at me oddly and said levelly "Jen, go home. Everyone else does. Just. Go. Home" so I haven't let my catholic guilt get in the way since. I spent my day doing domestic tasks- washing, cleaning (I dropped a bottle of soy sauce on my kitchen floor- messy), cooking (a fine range of baby food- patrick loves my red lentil, tomato and carrot mush) and shopping as well as pumping every two hours and a little bit of sewing.

So I was feeling a little weary when I picked up Patrick from daycare. He was happily playing with his toys in the car seat so I thought I'd leave him there whilst I took the washing off the line. As usual, I was conscious of the fact that he might tire of that at any minute and start howling like a wee banshee. It occurred to me that pretty much any minute of the day that I am with Patrick I live in fear of the fact that he may start howling at any moment, and the fact stresses me no end.

And then it hit me: that's a really dumb way to live. No wonder I find motherhood so tiring. I should just -shock, horror- enjoy the fact that he is happy, burbling away to himself, with the occasional squeal of delight thrown in. And, yes, he will start telling me that he's had enough of the happy lion and his handsqeaker, but that's ok. I'll deal with it when it happens.

Simple, eh. [Again- I have so many brains, so few clues.] And, yes, as I folded up the last bath towel, he started to get cranky. So I picked him up and put him in the basket on top of the washing and carried him inside- he thought that was hilarious. I gave him some of his red lentil mush and he loved it. And then he had had enough and got a bit cranky. So I took him out of the high chair and tickled him. He snorted and snuffled and giggled 'til he was fit to burst.

It's one of those 'glass half full' things. I'm very, very much a 'half empty' person -[wtf? Triple J has just had Radiohead followed by Placebo followed by Muse- what's next? Damn My Chemical Romance? I'm supposed to be feeling better here now!]- sorry, what was I saying...
... yes, glass-half-empty-and-isn't-it-a-shame-we-will-never-be-able-to-find-that-same -vintage-again-oh-my-god-its-so-sad-this-experience-is-nearly-over kind of person. So it is hard to try and re-shape my thinking around the other way. That is, my baby is a happy person interspersed with moments of crying rather than my baby is always on the verge of tears interspersed with happy bits. I suppose that is what CBT is all about.

Which reminds me- it's been six months since I started on the Sertraline. I am going to the doctor this afternoon to see if she thinks I can come off it or if I need longer.

On a different note, I got these fabrics off etsy and they are on the line drying so I can start making some cool stuff for Patrick...

In completely unrelated (ie nothing to do with Patrick)news we have a case of termites in the laundry and kitchen. At best they will just decide to go elsewhere (very unlikely) and at worst we will have to cut down all the trees in the backyard, replace our sandstone piers and then lace the place with highly horrible chitin inhibitors (also extremely unlikely. I love our trees and they were one of the reasons we bought this house a year ago) before ripping the kitchen and laundry off and building a new one. Probably somewhere in the middle, but I think I know where our tax returns are going...

And finally, although it is a case of 'Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dumber' I am so hoping there is going to be a change of government in two weeks' time. So. Hoping. Kevin Rudd may be an 'economic conservative' but at least they will talk about paid maternity leave and kyoto. And there's always Julia. Although I liked her hair longer. I think she looks like Scully from the x-files. But that's just me.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Zoloft Birth Defects said...

Maybe you might want to ask a psychiatrist when it's safe to come off it? Most docs dont' understand how SSRI's affect personality and the brain..

31/8/11 15:31  

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