Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I had a long and tiring day yesterday.

I woke up at 5am,needing to do a wee. Because I had been feeling very tired lately, I was nauseated, bloated and my boobs hurt I decided to take the opportunity to do an HPT. Another gallon fruitlessly squandered ( http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2004/08/ticker_picker.html). So I will just have to put it down to being old and had it.

I went back to bed which is always a bad idea. If I get up early and then go back to sleep my body demands another 8 hours. Why the hell I can't then sleep for night shift is beyond me. So i got up late, about 8, and went downstairs, aiming to get in some early study after breakfast. WRONG. I decided I needed to watch the TV coverage of the freed Tasmanian mine workers, just in case I saw anyone I knew. I didn't. I went back to my desk and sat down. Covering the space where Stoelting and Miller should be was the dress I have been meaning to finish for the last three weeks. So i thought to myself, hell, there's only the hem left, why not. I put on one of the books on tape I got out from the library and started sewing.

At 1200 I realised I had an appointment to go to with the counsellor at SAMS at 1300. I hadn't showered. I did so and drove off to SAMS/SIDS house. On the way I dropped the lid of the lip balm I was using in the car so I had to stop and search for it (it was a new stick). I didn't find it.

I arrived at the SIDS/SAMS place and had one of those moments: I had never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be coming to the house of the red nose as a client. I had always assumed it would be in a professional role.

I had a good two hour session with the counsellor. It was good to have someone validate my feelings, especially when I said how much I hated it when people (with the nicest possible intentions) say "You'll be ok. You'll have heaps of kids". Because that is no longer guaranteed. I will be going back in a few weeks.

I went back home and picked up the David Jones gift card we had been given by the kind folk at the Mater ICU for our wedding gift. We had been planning to use it to buy baby stuff. Since that is no longer going to happen before the card expires, we decided to spend it on us. I bought a beautiful, soft Waverly woolen blanket to put on our bed. I had some food court lunch and read the SMH. I went home, parked the car and walked to the library. I had hoped to find a lonely Planet guide to Adelaide, but none were to be found. I got a few more books on tape and read a slim book called "I don't need a baby to be who I am". Good stuff.

I walked home, got out the computer and started checking my email. I watched a small amount of telly. I got back on the computer. T came home and I cooked dinner. He watched a show I had taped for him, and then we went to bed.

Snuggled down beneath the wedding present blanket we discussed some of the things I had talked about in counselling. He also feels bad about the miscarriages. He is also sad that we aren't parents, and may never be. It was nice, the first time we have really talked about this for some months.

The day exhausted me.

Today I found out another person who has fallen accidentally pregnant. Again. It was odd- at breakfast were the three of us: The Pregnant By Mistake One, The Recurrent Aborter and The One who Can't Even Conceive. And baby F. The sun was shining, the surf was awesome, there were dolphins, but my heart just wasn't in it.

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